On Being Poor

Ben and I are pinching pennies.

Since he's graduating next month, CONGRATULATIONS PEAPIE!, he's been working on applying for jobs, and every day I'm disappointed and worried when no one calls for an interview.

My brain has gone into overdrive. Every little purchase has been completely over-analyzed. Today I got my hair cut. I've been needing a haircut badly for about two months, and working on saving the money for about a month. Instead of getting that nice, refreshed, light feeling that I normally have after a haircut, I felt ridiculously guilty for spending the money. I went to Target and bought some 3.00 mousse and flip-flops for 2.50 and the whole time I was thinking..."I don't really need mousse. I could totally live without this. And it's not even very warm out yet. These flip flops can wait. I think I have some crusty ones from last year I could dig out." I spent some time torturing myself by looking at the maternity clothes and the baby things. There was a nice pair of dress pants for twenty bucks, but I thought, "I'm only going to be in clinic for a few more weeks, and I've gotten this far on hand-me-down, high-water dress pants. I can make it a few more weeks..."

We've been talking about staying in this ghetto apartment until December...until I'm able to contribute a little to our income again. There's really barely enough room for the two of us, and I have been over and over the floor plan trying to figure out what we can get rid of and how we're going to squash in the bare necessities that we'll need for the baby. I've been considering how I'm going to manage laundering cloth diapers without a washer and dryer, but I'm still committed to using cloth diapers because I'm pretty sure we're not going to be able to afford disposables. I've been praying that I won't have a problem breast-feeding since formula is so outrageously expensive. And I've been brainstorming all of the options for free entertainment that will keep me from going stir-crazy in a house without a television, and most likely no internet services.

But the truth is...there's part of me that's really looking forward to the challenge of it all. I always learn so much about myself, about my strength and ability to persevere, from the situations that I would never have chosen for myself.

I know that Worm will have no concept of the fact that it is "doing without." I'm perfectly capable of keeping Worm's belly full, it's bottom dry, and of providing all the love and snuggling a little one needs. By the time Worm is a year and a half old, Ben and I will be in a very comfortable position, and all this struggling to keep our heads above water will be a distant memory.

I hope that we'll remember to teach Worm to value life and not things. I hope this child will feel confident pushing out beyond what's comfortable and in doing so embrace the lessons that are truly meaningful. Worm may feel the sting of being denied the best of the best, but it will never feel the sting of being denied our love, our time and energy, and our dedication.