My Sofie-bean, you are two months old today. Right now you are sleeping soundly on my chest. You fell asleep while we slow danced to some ancient Cranberries songs, and the sweetness of the moment made me tear up. You’ve made my life so vibrant!
Somewhere around six weeks you suddenly morphed from a slightly needy, often cranky infant into such a pleasant, happy little imp. You are talking up a storm, especially after your bath each night. You hold fifteen minute chats with us, and your eyes light up like Christmas trees. I know we’re going to have some fantastic conversations some day! Your smiles and coos make us giggle like children, and I’m just so excited to see what you’ll come up with next.
About a week ago your daddy was cutting your fingernails while you nursed, and he accidentally cut your thumb with the clippers. You screamed like we’ve never heard you scream before, and I’ve never seen Ben look so heartbroken. Something about that moment kicked him into super-daddy mode, and he has been your number one fan ever since. I am eating up seeing him so delighted in you.
Now that I think we’re beyond the threat, I’ll tell you that nursing has come within an inch of ending probably four times or so over the last two months. It hasn’t been a treat for me at all. In the beginning you wanted to nurse constantly and it was very limiting physically. To the point that I felt like a bit of an invalid, constantly asking people to fetch things for me. It was also painful…I’m still working on clearing up the last bits of a yeast infection (I didn’t even know you could get those in your boob!). Now, returning to work, it’s challenging in a different sort of way. Finding a comfortable place and the time to pump is such a pain. I sit and write reports to try to catch up…to feel like I’m pulling my weight. It makes me feel rushed and agitated all day long, and even though everyone has been overly accommodating I still feel some resentment/disgust in the air. Keeping up with the amount of milk you demand while I’m away is also a bit of a challenge. I’ve been doing ok so far, but it’s something I’m always just a little worried about. The point behind all this complaining is to tell you that I’m so glad I didn’t quit. There’s nothing like coming home after a long day of work and having you snuggle up with me to nurse. It’s such a wonderful deep breath at the end of my day. Sometimes when you’re finished, you hang out a little while longer, squirming and goofing around. When I’ve had enough I pull you away, and you make the most pathetic squeak and your pouty-lip face. I must be an awful, mean mama, because it makes me crack up every time!
Returning to work has been difficult. I feel stretched beyond what I can handle gracefully. I feel like I’m making silly mistakes I wouldn’t normally make, and I’m not nearly as patient with you as I wish I could be. I’ve grown slightly numb to the clutter that is piling up around the house (thank goodness for grandma, who at least keeps things clean!) and I have a mad case of mama-guilt. I want to be so perfect for you. I don’t want you ever to remember a time when I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, or a time that I snapped at you for something silly. At the same time, I’ve never felt so fulfilled. It’s a wonderful thing to have the luxury to pursue a career that leaves you feeling spent, but happy at the end of the day. And coming home to you…what more could I possibly ask for?
My scrunchy munchkin, mama loves you more than she ever thought it was possible to love someone. Thank you for lighting up my life!
Somewhere around six weeks you suddenly morphed from a slightly needy, often cranky infant into such a pleasant, happy little imp. You are talking up a storm, especially after your bath each night. You hold fifteen minute chats with us, and your eyes light up like Christmas trees. I know we’re going to have some fantastic conversations some day! Your smiles and coos make us giggle like children, and I’m just so excited to see what you’ll come up with next.
About a week ago your daddy was cutting your fingernails while you nursed, and he accidentally cut your thumb with the clippers. You screamed like we’ve never heard you scream before, and I’ve never seen Ben look so heartbroken. Something about that moment kicked him into super-daddy mode, and he has been your number one fan ever since. I am eating up seeing him so delighted in you.
Now that I think we’re beyond the threat, I’ll tell you that nursing has come within an inch of ending probably four times or so over the last two months. It hasn’t been a treat for me at all. In the beginning you wanted to nurse constantly and it was very limiting physically. To the point that I felt like a bit of an invalid, constantly asking people to fetch things for me. It was also painful…I’m still working on clearing up the last bits of a yeast infection (I didn’t even know you could get those in your boob!). Now, returning to work, it’s challenging in a different sort of way. Finding a comfortable place and the time to pump is such a pain. I sit and write reports to try to catch up…to feel like I’m pulling my weight. It makes me feel rushed and agitated all day long, and even though everyone has been overly accommodating I still feel some resentment/disgust in the air. Keeping up with the amount of milk you demand while I’m away is also a bit of a challenge. I’ve been doing ok so far, but it’s something I’m always just a little worried about. The point behind all this complaining is to tell you that I’m so glad I didn’t quit. There’s nothing like coming home after a long day of work and having you snuggle up with me to nurse. It’s such a wonderful deep breath at the end of my day. Sometimes when you’re finished, you hang out a little while longer, squirming and goofing around. When I’ve had enough I pull you away, and you make the most pathetic squeak and your pouty-lip face. I must be an awful, mean mama, because it makes me crack up every time!
Returning to work has been difficult. I feel stretched beyond what I can handle gracefully. I feel like I’m making silly mistakes I wouldn’t normally make, and I’m not nearly as patient with you as I wish I could be. I’ve grown slightly numb to the clutter that is piling up around the house (thank goodness for grandma, who at least keeps things clean!) and I have a mad case of mama-guilt. I want to be so perfect for you. I don’t want you ever to remember a time when I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, or a time that I snapped at you for something silly. At the same time, I’ve never felt so fulfilled. It’s a wonderful thing to have the luxury to pursue a career that leaves you feeling spent, but happy at the end of the day. And coming home to you…what more could I possibly ask for?
My scrunchy munchkin, mama loves you more than she ever thought it was possible to love someone. Thank you for lighting up my life!
I really miss those days. Enjoy them cause some day you'll be sitting there wondering where the time went!
ReplyDeleteSam, she is such a cutie!! She's getting so big!! Make sure that you tell Ben that I did the same thing about two weeks ago to Brynn's finger AND in the same night, I was zipping up her sleeper and caught her belly skin... I felt like a horrible Mommy that night!!
ReplyDeleteIt looks like her hair is turning lighter? I need to see her again!!
ReplyDeleteSam thanks for lighting up my life...twice:) Hey everybody, I get to squeeze Sofie today AND kiss her boo-boo finger. Heidi, get your butt up here.
ReplyDelete